The Future?

Assalamualaikum,

I feel so overwhelmed and disoriented. I'm not sure if the trip made things clearer or just blurred everything out for me. The same questions were asked over and over again. And the same dazed and unsure response were given to each. I am still uncertain of what I want to do exactly. I'm not confident. I'm afraid, so afraid that I would go one path then realize that I can't take it. I can't go back once I go through it. Most of them seem slightly frustrated by me. Which is totally understandable. 

Maybe I'm afraid of all of this cause in a way I don't want to end up like my father. He works everyday, even on weekends. He even works when he feels unwell. That's my image of my father, a person who spends spends almost his whole life on a desk typing away. It seems stressful.  Besides that, my parents both work and they always come home tired. It made me think, do I really want to live my life like that? Working and studying till I die?  But one day, my father brought the family to a work gathering. I realize that maybe there is more to it. It will be hard. Yes. Definitely. But that's not all there is to it. Happiness is a journey not a destination.

Things are not black and white. I will get to experience new things and meet new people. Everything isn't all bad. I have stop being narrow-minded. Also my father told me something that did make a difference in my way of thinking. I should stop thinking of going to school as an obligation or as something I need to do cause' my parents or the society said that was the right thing to do. I have to do it for myself and the sake of protecting the truth. If I was ignorant how could I do anything? How can anyone take me seriously with my lack of education and knowledge? I need to learn to differ between what is right and wrong. I could easily be led astray if I didn't learn properly. Education is more than just about grades or getting a job is primarily about becoming an aware, engaged observer in the universe. (John Green)

"Verily with hardship come ease." (Quran, 94:5)

Ever since I was young I wanted to help people. I always envisioned myself at countries that aren't as peaceful as my own, aiding children. I just want to be as useful as I can. I don't really mind if I end up making a lot of money. I'm not an ambitious person to begin with unlike my younger sister who intends on being a businesswoman. And I'm glad she has a dream. I'm proud of my younger sisters and my friends. They know where they are going. It's not as if I have no dream. I want to contribute to my country. I want to help other humans. Make this world a better place to live for every single soul. Niat is a very important thing. As I grow older the importance of it becomes clearer. Why are we all doing this? Why bother? If you figured it all out, I envy you. You can see it in their eyes. People have goals just shine, their heads are clearer, they know where they are heading. While my head seems to be filled by rocks as I go by. And as soon as I think I threw one rock out another comes in.

 Allah S.W.T encourages us to compete in righteousness. “So race to [all that is] good. To Allah is your return all together, and He will [then] inform you concerning that over which you used to differ.” [Qur’an: Chapter 5: Verse: 48]

As the eldest, I'm the first my parents has to deal with leaving. So we are all new to this. It really is a challenge. I still don't understand a lot of things. I am still learning and so are my parents. I am finding out things to late. Though mostly I blame the motivators that come to my school that over simplify things. Truthfully, I think my school should have exposed the students to the opportunities and paths they could take after SPM. Instead of making it seem like there is only two roads. That is success and failure. Which is when you are successful you become rich but if you are not, you work at the streets. There is no such thing as failure unless you give up. At least in my opinion.

A lot of the stress and unhappiness is not from the circumstances you are put in, but from how you choose to deal with them.

"You will always be figuring out what to do in your life, and you'll get to do a lot of different things, and your decision will be unmade by circumstances."-John Green