Confrontation.

I am a timid person. I wish I wasn't. I know it annoys people close to me as I would be very hesitant to do a certain thing because of my shyness or anxiety.

I envy those who don't overthink their actions. As I grow older my overthinking has decreased but it hasn't gone away. And it would unconsciously influence my actions. 

I sometimes have trouble even understanding myself. I would get anxiety even speaking up to my friends. I remember I disagree with what my friend was doing, and I got so anxious about the idea of confronting her about it. It was small. But I remember after telling her how I felt my hands were shaking and my heart was beating so loud. I don't like debating with people, but recently I have started voicing out my opinions in conversations instead of being a yes-man. But I still don't like arguing.

I watched this video of two men having a deep conversation with each other and I wish I could have that conversation with my friends. I was surprised how open they were with their feelings especially being men stereotypically they are known for hiding their feelings.

I feel like I hide my feelings a lot even from my closest friends about how I feel about a certain situation to the point although I still get along with them now, I still feel a bit of resentment for that particular event. But wouldn't it be weird to suddenly confront them about what happened not even recently but years ago.  I am just afraid they might take it personally (cause it kinda is I guess.) and we might never recover from it. What happens if they disagree? But in many ways, I wish I could talk about it as I know it still hurts me.

Is it worth it? Maybe I should just brush it aside and forget about them. 

I envy those who just voice out straight away how they feel right then and there. I think the problem with me though also is that I don't process what has happened till it has passed. Usually, after I walk away from the situation do I realize how hurt I was by it. I am also afraid of saying things at the moment, in anger. Cause from previous experience me talking in anger has never gone well. I tend to feel so guilty afterwards.

I realize especially starting from my matriculation years that girls tend to let out their anger through passive-aggressiveness and being sarcastic rather than outright saying why they were pissed off.

I dealt with anger by just walking out of the room sometimes or just straight out ignoring what they said and pretended like I was distracted at the time or didn't hear them clearly. 

What I realized from two interview videos actually, is that I also want that type of closure and conversation. But would either of us be mature enough to just listen through critiques of ourselves?