I am Sad.

I am not sure if this is relatable but when I am happy I have a hard time relating to the me when I am sad, I just forget why I felt sad and how sad I felt. But when I am sad, I forget how was I ever happy, all my sadness and pain would consume me at that moment. So that's why I think being alone with your thoughts can be dangerous. People need people. 

This line always breaks me when I hear it in the song:

It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless

-Before You Go, Lewis Capaldi

I am not very outspoken when I am upset about something, I tend to hold back. Truthfully, I do this sometimes unconsciously and wouldn't even realize I was not okay with it till one day, I break down crying way later and small moments like that flash back to me. "Oh, actually that did hurt me, but I was pretending like I was okay. I didn't even realize I was pretending, weird."

I have certain people that just makes me cry when I talk to them, maybe because a part of me feels comfortable not hiding, being real. My friend once called me just to say hello, and after a few minutes I just burst out crying. She was surprised, I was shocked at myself too. Because I was having a normal day, I was actually hanging out with my other friends when she called me. It was so random. As I was crying, I think I said:  "I am sorry I don't know why I am crying."

I have many moments like that. 

Hugs are dangerous by the way, I rarely hug people. The few times my friends hug me, I felt like crying. 

I tend to shock myself when I cry because it sometimes happens to me on a day where I am happy or maybe have done nothing that day. But I would lie down, at 3 am staring at the ceiling and cry.

Although, it was always relieving to cry. I used to sit in front of the mirror and talk to myself and comfort myself as I cried. I don't really cry anymore, I don't talk to myself anymore, I actually missed doing both. At the same time.

That's why after high school was done, my father said something about, "Sometimes you just don't have time to cry-". Offended me a bit. What do you mean??

But I realize as you get older, your schedule/life becomes more hectic, you have no time to mope around. You have to keep moving forward.

I used to mope, I think I mentioned many times SPM was hard and I kept it all to myself. I was demotivated, I was in a good class, where everyone was top of the grade and every time it was time to pass the exam paper, I would quickly hide mine as it wasn't even close to their marks. 

What my father said made sense to me finally when I was in matriculations during the second semester. The first semester was chaotic for me, I think I was still trying to adapt to the busy schedule and loads of assignments so by the second semester, I finally grasped it. I was actually proud of myself as I used to have a hard time keeping up with it all, but I was finally catching up and yet my heart broke when the teacher said I wasn't actually catching up as my other classmates have done more. I felt awful after like; 

I was doing my best...but it isn't enough. 

I was actually working hard...but it isn't enough...

At matriculation was also the moment when I understand when my parents emphasized studying hard, I used to retort back and say we should study smart instead of studying hard, but I was wrong. You should do both! You have to put yourself out there. Give it your all, throw away your comfort zone, do your best.

Besides that, going back to what my teacher said, although I felt sad, and wanted to mope a little, I realized I shouldn't compare my progress to my friends, which truthfully was what I did differently in the second semester compared to the first and it made a huge impact on myself. As long as in my heart I can say, I did my best. I gave it my all, I can look at my result and be happy. So even after the teacher's remark, I will take it into consideration and just keep moving forward and do my best. 

Btw, comparing yourself to those ahead of you is bad, but also comparing yourself to those behind you is just equally not good. 

There are many people who do that, I remember some people in the group (faculty/course Whatsapp group) would joke, "Let's all not do our work/study!". I used to ask about people's progress to make myself feel better too. But, now I just tell myself, assume everyone is also doing their best, so now just do your best.

Which I did apply to during my university years, even if people made fun of me for jotting down notes, doing the tutorial assignments way early or staying up to finish a project. That's why I don't get upset by my result. The result is a reflection of my efforts. That was how much effort I put in so I won't complain about it. During my university years, I only cried once about my result and it was because the result I got was because of my team, not entirely because of me. 

Btw, I don't get amazing results each semester but instead of moping, I just tell myself to work harder and keep moving forward.

Btw, I love this movie. Watch it. It is really inspiring.

This post has totally derailed. It is less about me being sad and me just talking about my school and studying experience...

The saddest I have felt in a while was this semester. Majorly, due to the final year project, I had to do. I felt incompetent the whole time I was doing it. A bunch of depressing things were on loop in my head. Actually, I was feeling down the whole two-semester while I did it. I literally just wanted to hit my head over and over. 

Usually, when I am feeling this way, I would try to motivate myself, write down the reasons why I should feel happy, (like, I did with the teacher when she said I wasn't doing enough) but it wasn't working. My head was retorting back with more negatives. 

Also, these two semesters was hard, I felt depressed and everything in my life seems to just fall apart as my motivation fell down with it. I gave up on myself.

I felt so guilty though for doing this to myself, I felt guilty for feeling demotivated. I hated myself a lot. I felt bad for my parents and my lecturers. 

My life motto was, ATLEAST TRY TO DO YOUR BEST, but now I know I wasn't giving it my all. I could do better but I wasn't.

I also felt undeserving to feel depressed and demotivated. I don't have a hard life but here I am feeling this way. 

How do people get out of a slump?

It didn't help that during this time the coronavirus forced us all to stay at home. Being alone, stuck in your head is dangerous. I am lucky that I found the courage to ask my friends if it was okay to call them every day as we do our works together. Just feeling their presence was comforting. A reminder to keep moving forward.

Even then at first, I felt a little guilty about bothering them, but one day, they confessed how they wished we started this video-calling-everyday-thing earlier as it helped them too. It's hard reaching out to people, afraid they might be bothered.

These two semesters was definitely hard, I have been rambling on the feelings I have. But I do want to reflect more on this two-semester on what I learnt. 

The two main ones are:-

1. Talk to someone. (I tell that to myself all the time, but I always have trouble with it. I hate being vulnerable)

2. Have a plan. Go through with it.

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Writer's Memo:-

I like writing in my blog before I enter university, or before I go for the exams or before I do something big and something that gives me anxiety...so after I go through it I can read back my blog and laugh it off. 

I was able to get through it. I survived it. I handled it. 

Although I cringe at my blog, I cringe at the problems I had when I was at a certain age, how small it was; I can see my growth. I see my journey. 

Anytime I get anxious about taking a big leap in life, I read back my blog posts and remind myself. There are times in life when it gets hard, where I am filled with doubt and regret, but all of these steps I took helped me grow as a person.