Loner

I wish I was more open and sociable. I used to take a personality test, to try and understand myself more. Cause I used to be guilt-tripped a lot on how shy I was.  After finding out I am an introvert, I feel relieved in the sense, now I know there are other people like me and I am not weird. It's not weird to not want to go out and talk to people all the time, to want to be alone.

Most of my friends are introverted, I think it is just easier to interact and connect with other introverts as they don't take my silence as an offence. Some extroverts, find it hard to communicate with me as I ain't very good with talks in general. Especially with people I just know, I am very shy.

I used to be in denial about the fact I was shy. I just thought I was introverted but not shy. But as times go by, I realized I am definitely shy. There are introverts who are good at parties and can socialize, they just need a break every now and then.

I also think I am quite a loner. Even with my closest friends, I need a break from them. I would just wander around alone. I feel bad for feeling this way, but people tend to make me feel suffocated after a while. I would find myself drifting away from the group. And I try to explain this feeling to my other introverted friends, and they couldn't relate so that's why I feel like I am maybe too introverted compared to them or maybe I am more of a loner. 

I am always slightly afraid my friends would take it personally though. Because it has nothing to do with them. 

I am always bad at engaging with people, most of the friends I have now is because they approached me or we have a mutual friend that helped us get closer together.

I have never been the person to take the first step. As I am an overthinker. I just overthink everything. My mom used to mention how strict I am, which I took offence to at first. 

"I am such a timid, shy, chill person, what does she mean?"  

Eventually, I got it. I have a hard time taking a joke from someone that I barely know. It's difficult to tell from someone you just met whether their sarcasm/joke is an attack or just their way of breaking the ice. I always have a tough time reacting, I wouldn't know how to react and the awkwardness in my face is always so obvious.  I am okay with people joking around with me, just wait till we are close enough for me to know your personality, know enough to know your words come from a good place and it's not personal.

Since I was younger, I always was confused about how there are people who have a large group of friends, I mean people who HANG OUT with a large group of friends, and not have any of them that would feel left out. I tend to hang in threes. And I would often end up daydreaming on my own while my other two friends would chat. Then they would feel bad about me being left out and wonder why I am so quiet. But like I mentioned before, I have a bad time inserting myself into a conversation. So when two people get into it, sometimes I just end up overthinking it and have the whole conversation by myself in my head. 

HELP.

Due to the fact I have a bad time inserting myself in conversations, I am also bad in group discussions. But I actually prefer to listen to hear other opinions first before I give mine. (Good leaders speak last, not that I am the leader for the group...) Every now and then, I would meet great group members though, and they would want to hear my opinion (everyone's opinion for that matter). They would go, "So what you think, XXX?" It always flatters me as people tend to want to be in charge and be dismissive of some other people's opinions. I get dismissed a lot and it hurts. They sometimes don't even say why they disagree, they just simply move on and ignore it like I never said anything. Then they got the audacity and be like, "What you contributed to the team?" Well, if you listened maybe I could have contributed more, stop dismissing me. 

This also applies to group trips/ hangouts. Where they would see me being on my lonesome and make me feel welcome. I have been in a situation (recent) where I was in a group of people where I didn't really know anyone, except one although even then we weren't really close, they made me not feel like an outsider. Which I didn't experience in high school. I always was made to feel like an outsider when I ended in a group I am not usually in. 

Being socially awkward is hard, and now that I am searching for an internship and one day, a job, it is a big burden to having to overcome. It's not easy too as the problems lie in my head. Past bad experience also haunts me, that prevents me from overcoming the hurdle of taking the first step or risking myself...

Writer's Memo:- 

I starting to feel embarrassed about writing in the blog as some friends and family have confessed they read it. I love there is an audience/readers but everything I write seems so personal and I feel vulnerable. hahaha. What happens if they are judging me...hoho?

I tend not to plan my writing. I would come up with a topic and just write it based on my feelings so I am afraid my posts seems messy. The flow of my writing might seem off. No coordination.

That's why I call it a rant. No real message here. I wish my blog was more inspiring or my words are more impactful like some bloggers I used to layan back in the day. (Like, Teme actually, I know him from Blogspot when I heard him go famous I was like Whatttt, I know him just from his blog which I found by random during primary school.)