Best Friends

I remember eating with my roommates during my matriculation years. We somehow got to the topic of people having best friends. They all couldn't (there was four of us including me) relate to people who have best friends. They think people who best friends tend to be very co-dependent and possessive. 

I stayed silent throughout the whole conversation cause I was that type of person to have a bestie during my school years and was very possessive and clingy. I actually tried not to have that one person I am close to since matriculation though since it was troublesome. If your bestie had other things to do, you really do end up alone and feel lonely. I tried to be more open and accept all different type of friends from different classes and clubs so I was not dependent on certain individuals. (But I think I failed to do that in university despite my plans.)

During my secondary school year, one day someone asked for my best friend during the school lunch break to have a talk, she only wanted my friend though so I ended up eating alone. After maybe the third day, she came by again and asked my permission if she could borrow my friend and I snapped a little, I remember almost feeling like I wanted to cry too while I snapped. No, you can't take her. I felt so lonely eating alone for a few days in a row. That's why although I love my best friend, I really hated how dependent I was. How if she wasn't around, how lonely I felt. Although I did have friends outside of her, I didn't open up entirely to them as much as I did with my best friend.

After school was done, and I went to matriculation, it was probably the first time I felt how it was not to have a BEST FRIEND. At first, I thought it was weird like isn't pathetic that I don't have one at my matriculation? During the talk with my roommates was when I realized people don't have best friends usually. People tend to befriend everyone and maybe some you click with more than others. 

I think I mentioned in old post too that I actually liked that I had no specific people I hanged out with during my matriculation year. In different subject, I would sit next to different people. I never had a specific person I was reliant on. 

Although that was lonely too in a different way. I had more friends but I had no close confidant. I had no one to pour out my feelings to.

I am not sure how to end this post, not sure what type of conclusion I should be making. Having a best friend, has it pros and cons. I still keep in touch with mine outside of school years. I am not sure if using the word best friend is the right term for what I am describing.

I am not sure if I make a whole lot of sense. I tend to be very wary of people, and it takes me a lot of time to open up to someone, takes me a while just to be comfortable enough with them to make a joke or tease them.

 I always get amazed by people who can just joke around with anyone and poke fun and tease someone and that other person just laughs. Most times I do, it ends very awkwardly or sometimes that other person gets butthurt about it. It always ironic cause the one who usually gets hurt about it is usually the one who tends to be teasing me a lot and poking fun at me, but when tables are turned they get triggered. I had bad experiences of opening up to someone. So I ended up being too careful about it.