How am I feeling?

It's hard to explain what I have been feeling recently, I feel like I have been having a slump. I don't even know where it came from. It started last semester. These two semesters I have been feeling down. It's hard for me to share because, in many ways, I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way. I am not in a bad environment or situation. I am privileged. So I feel undeserving to feel sad, and I feel like people would scoff hearing someone like me feeling down. As it is pretty random too.

I don't think I am depressed. 

I just feel very unmotivated, empty and listless. I don't feel like anything. Most of the times, I just feel empty, not sad, not happy. Just empty. Why? I don't know. I also feel like why am I feeling this now?! When I have so much to do... that requires enthusiasm and motivation. I am in my third year, and now I feel down. Henceforth, why I feel guilty for feeling this way. Am I being unreasonable?

I actually never really felt it this bad before. I wasn't always like this. Maybe I did feel like this a bit during SPM.

I tried to talk to a few people about it because I thought maybe after letting it out, the feeling would go away. But I think they are confused as well. Sometimes it would make me feel more guilty.

I really hate myself for feeling this way. 

I wasn't like this when I first entered uni, even when I was having a hard time, and felt slow because unlike other students I never learnt CS, I was still motivated to do my best. I would do my assignments, be on time, I would always try to do my best. That was what I always told myself, no matter the result you end up getting, at least you should try your best. 

Recently, I started stumbling. I was a mess. I was starting to be late for many classes (I usually would be 30 minutes early), I would do my assignments last minute or just copy others (which I always tried not to do, I would always do it first and only the ones I couldn't answer for a long time then I would ask. And I am proud of that fact). I wasn't giving everything my best anymore. I was doing the bare minimum. 

Why? Why?

I don't know.

I am sorry.

I think it started after getting my final year project title. And working on it, I hated myself a lot.  I just felt dumb. I also wasn't interested in the topic itself and I felt like I was dragging my feet the entire time throughout the project. I felt bad for my lecturer, I felt like a disappointment.

The word, I hate this, was on repeat in my head. Then, maybe that's when I gave up.  

It's harder to explain my feelings to a generation where they did everything according to what people/society around them expected them to do, they follow the flow. First graduate high school, then get a degree, then get a masters...never really thinking of diverting off course. 

It confuses them when I explain I don't want to do this because I have no interest. I am not hating it because it's hard. It's hard for me to do this because I hate what I am doing. If that makes any sense...

When I was doing a project in Indonesia, it was hard, and I felt stuck, but I had the interest, the curiosity to continue on. It wasn't the same for this project I had to do. It is no one fault but mine, of course. I accepted to do it, not knowing what really to expect.

Right now, I am scared that there might be a possibility I would end up continue working on this subject that I hate, dragging my feet again. Of course, I may be overthinking this. I am still at that age where I can change course. It happens all of the time.

"Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42, one's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens at every job." 

-Conan O'Brien (Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address)-

Maybe another argument, the older generation will make; is that you aren't going to always like what you do...

I feel like I am having a fight in my head. Most of all, I feel bad. Even as I complain and rant, I wonder if I sound spoilt. 

In my defence, the reason I even chose this track was that I knew I would have a hard time learning this subject on my own but planned to go to another course after I graduated. Which was a mistake, so that's why I don't want to get involved anymore with anything to do with DS. I have grown a hatred for it. Truthfully I am just too dumb for it. 

Another typical thinking is that as long as you work hard or study hard, you can become the best, which I think isn't true. Some people aren't just cut out for things, some people just aren't smart enough to be a doctor. Hard work does help but in the end, sometimes you have to evaluate your strength and weakness. And I am not cut out for this. (I am being pessimistic again)

I think the older gen just forget how it feels to be 20 and totally lost. Or maybe it's just me, being a mess.

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I was really scared to post this, cause having my insecurities out there seems really scary. 

This is an old post that I made a while ago, I was doing my FYP, I want to post it now cause I do need to remember this feeling...