Effort?

Recently, my faculty had a ceremony for those who scored greatly. I was fine with my score, but now I feel like such a letdown.

I am not sure if I think that's an appropriate feeling or I am being negative.

My teacher once said to me when she called us all dumb that instead of feeling insulted by what she says we should take it as criticism -as motivation -as a realization.

And she had a point, we sometimes have to admit we might be slower than others but that should not deter our results. It is not an excuse to fail.

So, I guess I should take it as a challenge and work harder this year.

I also remembered something my mum has mentioned to me. All my life, my father would say work hard, get good results, study hard...

And my mother cut in -do you think she haven't...
do you think before you mentioned you should work hard this year she wouldn't have -
do you think she got the result (which you are unsatisfied with) because she didn't work hard -

I think all my life, my results have only satisfied me but never the people around me. I don't mean directly unsatisfied them. I am saying my marks are low compared to them or haven't met people's requirement as good.

What I am trying to say is...what am I lacking in?

Is my mark equivalent to how hard I worked?

Cause' I remembered during matriculation. For the first semester, I did struggle a lot. The amount of homework and extra exercises. It was overwhelming. I could barely keep up. I wasn't able to do it all.

But for the second semester, I was slaying. I was doing the questions from the class and the past year questions as well. I was visiting the teacher more often. I was proud because I finally felt as if I was keeping up with my friends.

That was all shattered in one day. I was checking my answers with the teacher. When she suddenly mentioned, Why are you behind? Everyone is already ahead.

That broke my heart a little. Cause' I was really giving it my all. And to be told that wasn't enough, I was still slow- was crushing. Made me think also, maybe we all aren't just cut out for something.

That is something else I have been wondering about, can we really achieve something from our effort? Or maybe sometimes there is something we aren't able to do despite our effort?

Okay, I did get an A in the subject. Despite her criticism motivation.

The worst part is that I never had a feeling in my life, where I am talented in a particular area, even if I started confident, I would always be pushed back by the realization, I was dreaming and I am way behind than the rest.

Maybe smart students would have a particular subject they are good at and maybe lacking in others. But I would be mediocre in all of them. Not really shining on a particular subject.

And this kinda applies to everything in my life. Me being average in everything I do.

I am not sure if I am being unreasonable and a part of me does think so.

But there are so many people who are naturally good a things and they use it and hone their skills.

You could be sitting next to someone with the amount of same knowledge in your first class. Learning the same thing. And they understood the subject easily. While you didn't and is just clueless despite hearing the same thing.

Would effort change that? That sound stupid, of course, it does! It is hard sometimes to convince myself to believe it though.

This is a stupid rant. I don't even believe that effort doesn't mean anything. But maybe despite your effort, you can't be the best??

I would love if someone argued with me on this topic. Or gave me some inspiration!