The Reason Why...

Assalamualaikum,

One day I broke down. It didn't last long but I realized a lot after that day.

It was the first day of class. And, I realized how behind I was. I started feeling really down, the worst part is what I don't understand is considered basic or literally everyone but me thought was simple.

The feeling of hopelessness washed over me. It reminded me being in addmath class during high school and realized I just didn't get it. Negative and gloomy thoughts clouded my head. I kept thinking over and over to myself. 

I am such an idiot. What was I thinking going toward this path?

I am so stupid. I am the stupidest person in the room.

And those thoughts were on a loop in my head, getting louder and louder. My rational side, or the voice that was trying to comfort me -

I am not stupid. You are exaggerating. Everything will be fine. It's just the beginning. No need to worry. You are smart.

-that voice was getting smaller and quieter. My dark thoughts barking back like some crazy person. I couldn't smile and just wanted to cry. 

It didn't help that day I was alone. All my friends were in other classes. I rode the bus alone, which was a long ride cause my dorm was far.

I kept questioning myself, why did I choose to do this? And seriously I started to think of plan Bs. Like oh, maybe I should figure out other ways to earn money. Maybe I should change my course, but that was too late. Maybe I should retake the UPU...

Then I talked to my friend. I was not planning on spilling that I was having a bad day. I was just planning to ask her how she was doing. Cause' unlike her, I actually chose to do this. Which is why I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. I couldn't complain about it after I chose to do this.

I felt better after talking to her. I can't exactly explain why. She didn't solve my problem. But I found her words comforting nonetheless.

After having calmed down, I started to remember the reason why I chose to do this. I must have been overwhelmed by the amount of thing I don't know. Yet, I shall stand tall and fight through this. I survived a lot of things. The amount of times the teachers have looked at me with worry and me proving them wrong is huge.

I don't doubt these thoughts will come back and haunt me. But I have to remember my goals and my purpose. 

Also, I wasn't alone. I wasn't the only one who had no background of this course and a lecturer one day emphasized that. I just need to ask even if its simple as  ABC to them.