Silence is Golden

Assalamualaikum,

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” —Stephen R. Covey.

Sometimes I feel like everyone just wants to talk, yet not have a proper conversation. My conversations just feel one-sided. It obviously is partially my fault, I am a horrible conversationalist. I am bad at starting, continuing, joining, prolonging and even ending a conversation. I am horribly awkward.

The primary use of conversation is to satisfy the impulse to talk.   George Santayana

Another reason the conversation feels one-sided is that occasionally people come to me just to let out what they are feeling and rant, but then they walk away or seems disinterest when I give my input or talk about me. Somehow, they just turn back the topic back to them...basically just ignoring what I said. Ouch. If you want a yes-man, go away.

But that's what I hate about people and talking. I always feel obligated to talk to them, and they feel obligated to talk to me whenever we are together.

What I like about my best friend for around 10 years (damn I am old) is that I don't have a sense of obligation with her. We (or maybe just me this whole time and I never knew...my insecurity is kicking in) can enjoy each other company without saying anything. Us both doing different things.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much. Yogi Berra

I realize extroverts can't handle me at all. I mean extroverts who have no experience with introverts, they find me overwhelmingly quiet. I always feel bad hanging out with an extrovert. So, most of my extroverts friend hang out with other people more often than me, and I get it. I feel as If I need to do that for the sake of both our mental state. It's like I have to let the extrovert out to the wild with their kind, or like a dog that needs a walk every now and then.

I kinda miss my matriculation days. What's sad and good about those times, is that I had no particular group of friends I hang out with. Every other day, I sat next to a different classmate. I felt so free. Yet sometimes lonely... but I felt unburdened by fake relationships. With people, I always felt like I have to put up a pretence. 

I guess you could say, in a way, I have commitment issues. As I grow older I realize most of my friends who I was kinda close to during my school days or even matriculation days are just fading away. We have a WhatsApp group that is silent and empty. 

We used to say how much we miss each other...to now just me scrolling through Instagram to find out what they are up to. No conversation.

I am just wondering how that happens. Was it my fault or theirs?

I used to feel guilty by all the friends I lost contact with. I am bad at replying messages at times. But maybe we both didn't care enough.

I am glad I do have friends where although we may not have messaged each other for a while. One of us could one day just randomly say Hello and continue off like we never left.

Every good conversation starts with good listening.   

I mean, I don't know what I expect really. I am contradicting myself in a way. But I think what I am trying to point out is. Friendship is more than just empty conversations. Listen. Care.

And DON'T FORCE ME TO TALK. I just want to daydream by myself in the corner. Though I do appreciate a Hello! 

ByeBye. Peace Out!